Home Owner’s Association (HOA) 

Adus F. Dorsey II 

     I happen to live on a street that has a Home Owners Association (HOA). There are five members, maybe six if somebody got divorced and failed to report it, or if someone is contemplating taking on a new partner. There are three active homeowner members, a reliable renter, and two absentee owners, one of which is the President of the MWM Home Owners Association (HOA) but he does not know it or do we intend on ever telling him. (It works out to a lot better this way, believe me.)

     We do not hold regularly scheduled meetings, we learned way back when to never consider doing that, our philosophy is “if it ain’t got a crack in it why try and fill it?” 

   Ohhh, we do have by laws and semi-strict rules that as a member of the MWM HOA have all loosey gossey agreed to abide by, but nobody ever thought to write them down so they change a lot.  It is like if your next-door neighbor, on a weekend whim chooses to buy a better-looking truck than yours, all of sudden there is flurry of emails back and forth between the other two members in the HOA of an upper and lower dollar amount that everyone can spend on a new pick-up. 

      When I hold MWM HOA meetings at my house, that no one ever comes to…. I am always the one to lobby heavy and hard for something more on the lower end of the Crazy Lady Auto pick-up price scale. It hasn’t worked out so well thus far but I am persistent. As ordered by the MWM HOA Board I will be up-grading my rusted out eighties outfit soon. Something along the lines of a Ford, GMC, or an impending re-possessed import, mid 1990’s range, depending on Wayne County credit scores. It might take place as soon as I can legally find a way to pay Ronny Yingitch’s attorney’s fees without having to spend too many of my summer weekends in jail serving time on a clean up gang on Thurber’s Main Street. 

      I have filed for an extension on the MWM HOA pick-up price decision, but nobody thought to accurately write down the details of the agreement…. so I am just going with the rusted pick-up I already got and will be calling it good until someone on the WMW HOA Board says different at my next midnight meeting. 

     Another all time favorite topic of discussion at the MWM 100 North block Barbeques and International Beer Fest of the MWM HOA Board of Directors is lawn care products and the heavy-duty property maintenance machinery. The Vote always is, and I can quote… “Only one member can own all the cool stuff…. tractors, trailers and dirt diggers. You know the types, the kind that requires constant grease gun action and a carton of 4” inch wide Band-Aids. 

     Let it be noted that in the statute other MWM HOA members are only allowed to own up to, 2 HP Brigg’s and Stratton motor push mowers, without mufflers that must consistently blow blue smoke. I voted for that one and won. It was a surprise meeting late one night held without much advance notice. I have in my constant possession the absentee MWM HOA President’s proxy and often use in the case of a tie vote.  

       I have to readily admit I am not a real fan of the MWM HOA fall leaf-raking schedule. It really sucks, especially since my neighbor put up those Internet connected spy cameras on his side of the fence. Sometimes in late October, on windy days I go over to the barbed wire that separates our properties and flip a few cottonwood leaves into the air so on the video replay it looks like I am actually raking… my neighbor has been known to sneak into my yard on Thursday or Friday nights to write my name on leaves from my big trees. When I find them I scratch my name out with a Sharpee and write in his. 

    Usually about property tax time every year the MWM HOA holds its annual fundraiser. It is a big black tie affair, not much money is collected but a lot of oatmeal cookie and zucchini bread recipes get exchanged. Sometimes someone cracks the sealed lid off a purple bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 and passes it around until it is gone. Lots of HOA business gets taken care of on that November evening but nobody ever remembers what it was and at the December Christmas party everybody acts like the November HOA fundraiser never took place. 

     Over time I have learned to never attend the MWM HOA February New Year’s resolution gathering and Bow Flex demonstration. My Glenwood Dugway psycho therapist and New Age Dog Groomer softly says “do not stress, take a deep breath and go to your happy place…. The middle age spread happens to just about everyone over sixty in Wayne County that doesn’t ride a horse or do yoga on a regular basis, or ever.” Then she sells me a $45.00, one inch in diameter bundle of pitched pinion fire starter sticks before she will release my truck keys so I can go get groceries at Wal-Mart in Richfield, before it gets dark. 

    HOA’s and stricter property maintenance requirements are always a good thing… said no one in Hanksville… ever. 

One thought on “HOA’s

  1. As a member of the previously stated hoa group I take exception to the prevailing winds that deposit errant leaves onto our property.
    And with such obvious disregard of hoa rules and regulations I am now disbarring god from this hoa.


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